There’s beauty in the breakdown

I’ve meant to write in this blog for a while but I can only describe the last few weeks as a blur of emotions, organisation and productivity. I haven’t really had time to think or do anything that I didn’t feel was completely necessary. So now it’s reached that stage and I’m sat on the train to Heathrow wondering how I can sum everything up in one short post. I can’t. So today I’ll write a few.

When I started this blog I wondered whether I should keep it as personal as my last one where I somehow ended up pouring my heart out for the world to read. Maybe I should reel it in and write more informative, generic articles on where I’m going and what people should do if they go there too. Surely that would make it more successful and more in tune with the rest of the many travel blogs that are out there?

But I decided against it. Last time what started as a simple record of what I’d done and where I’d been turned into and outlet for everything I was feeling at the time – and as a result it enhanced my experience. So I’m not going to write about what I think I should write about but what I feel like writing about. If people want to read about it and follow my very personal journey then so be it, but if not then I am writing this for my own benefit and that’s the only purpose it needs to serve.

I can honestly say the last week or so has been one of the most emotional times of my life and I’ve felt conflicted between anxiety and excitement and sadness and happiness all at once. I’ve been mourning the loss of the life that I’ve known for the last 4 and-a-half years whilst simultaneously getting excited for my new one. On more than one occasion I’ve felt completely overwhelmed and felt like canceling the whole thing so I can just feel settled and comfortable again. Life has surprised me in more than one way and as a result my perspective has changed. That’s something I don’t feel comfortable going into at this stage but one thing I’ve realised is that you can plan life out all you want but it never works out the way you thought it would, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Saying goodbye is never easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing about this experience and it was last time too. I wish I could do this without having to leave anyone. I feel guilty for removing myself from their lives when I know if it were the other way around I would hate it. I’ve said so many goodbyes and cried so much in the past few days that I’ve started to feel numb to it. By the time I left Birmingham and reached Cardiff on Sunday I felt drained of emotion and unable to feel anything, which has led to some cold goodbyes to the people who mean the most to me. I hope they realize that it has meant nothing other than I don’t have time or energy to process leaving them right now but I will at a later date. And the good thing is that I have facebook/skype/whatsapp to make that possible.

So how am I feeling right now? Still conflicted, still sad and still scared – but excited too. So that’s progress on the state I was in at Birmingham airport last year. This year I feel the pangs of homesickness already and predict I will still feel that pretty strongly for a week or so. But the difference is that this time I know it gets better. I know I’ll get over it and that things will get really great and I know that being on my own isn’t as daunting as it once was. I got over that hurdle last time and now it doesn’t seem so impossible.

So for now I’m going to take advantage of some time to myself to relax and think – something I haven’t had the luxury of for a while as I’ve had so much to sort and worry about. I know I have to get used to time alone with me and my ipod and now is a good place to start. Next stop – Heathrow

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